Hello, I’m Charlton Heston.  For many years the National Rifle Association has fought hard to protect Americans’ Constitutional right to bear arms.  We’ve fought for families who want to protect their homes against intruders.  We’ve fought for huters looking for food tofeed their loved ones.  Now we’re fighting for amateur auto mechanics looking to take lug nuts off of their vehicles.

A frustrated Seattle man, trying for two full weeks to get a lug nut off of his vehicle with no success, finally found his solution.  Where did he find it?  Not in the Yellow Pages under “auto mechanics”, nor in the hardware store in the automotive section.  He found his answer in the US Constitution under “Second Amendment”.  He picked up his trusty shotgun, got well within range of that lug nut, and with visions of Dick Cheney running through is head he opened fire.  The lug nut, along with the frustration he felt, was gone.  Yes, they were replaced by blinding pain due to the buckshot ricocheting back and hospitalizing the man, but that’s beside the point.

Let’s face it–we’ve all been frustrated by a stubborn home project at one time or another.  That leaky pipe really drains your patience.  Your broken furnace makes you do a slow burn.  Your faulty transmission really grinds your gears.  You could do something sensible like call a professional, but wouldn’t it feel so much better to grab your AK-47 assault rifle, cram it full of armour piercing bullets and blast that backed-up toilet back to the Stone Age?  You know you’ve thought about it.  Okay, you would probably have to pay for a whole new bathroom to replace the one you destroyed, but that’s beside the point.

Without the NRA’s help, our mechanic would still be haunted by this one stubborn nut.  If he lived in any other country in the world his vehicle may still be immobile today.  Okay, he wouldn’t be in the hospital recovering from life threatening injuries either, but that’s beside the point.

The point is this–our forefathers fought, bled and dies protecting every red blooded American’s right to bust a cap in his Buick.  Where there is a stubborn lug nut in America, we’ll be there.  Where there’s a frustrating home improvement project, we’ll be there.  Where there’s a dim-witted American wanna-be mechanic we’ll be there, fighting to protect his right to blow is problems to smithereens rather than fix them like a normal person.  Why?  Because guns don’t kill people.  Lug nuts kill people.

I am Charlton Heston.  I am the NRA.  God bless America!