Barry Bonds, baseball’s home run king, is in serious trouble.  The US Federal Government has indicted him on 4 charges of perjury and one charge of bostruction of justice, stemming from his claims to the Grand Jury that he has never knowingly taken steroids.  Staring at a potential 30 years in jail, Barry will need some serious legal help to beat the rap.  Here are some lawyers he may want to consider:

Lionel Hutz

Pros:   Barry Bonds is up on 4 counts of perjury.  Homer and Marge Simpson’s lawyer understands that there’s the truth…and the truth!  After Homer sold his soul to the Devil for a donut, Hutz successfully won a case against the Prince of Darkness, giving custody of Homer’s soul back to Marge.  Since Barry has sold his baseball soul for the home run record, maybel Lionel can do it again.  As his Yellow Pages ad states, if Lionel doesn’t win your case in 30 minutes your pizza is free.

Cons: He has trouble with courtroom lingo, referrring to mistrials at “bad court thingies”.  He has even more trouble with bourbon, once even calling his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor David Crosby in the middle of a trial.  On top of that, his second job as a realtor may distract him from the business at hand.

Jackie Chiles

Pros: It’s important that a lawyer and his client get along, and Seinfeld’s lawyer may be the only man with an ego as big as Barry’s.  It’ll take some fast talking to win this case, and Jackie’s “fabulous, stupendous, outrageous” vocabulary just may confuse a jury into an acquittal.  The factthat he talked Teri Hatcher’s character into bed in the Seinfeld finale is proof of his skills of persuasion.  His closing statement would claim that Barry’s home runs were “real…and were spectacular”.

Cons: Previous settlements have not gone well.  He got Kramer’s photo on a Marlboro billboard when he sued the tobacco industry and got him free coffee for life when he sued for burns Cosmo got from a hot cup of coffee.  If Chiles wins for Barry, he may settle for a lifetime supply of HGH and having his face on a bottle of flaxseed oil.

Ben Matlock:

Pros: As everyone knows, he only takes a case if he believes his client is innocent.  If he takes on Barry’s case, it’s instant credibility.  Ben’s $100,000 fee is pocket change for Bonds.  Matlock is very popular among senior citizens, which means he could easily convince an older judge, most MLB owners and Julio Franco of Barry’s innocence.

Cons: Ben is from Atlanta and therefore is probably a Braves fan.  He can’t be happy that Barry broke Hank Aaron’s record.

Vincent LaGuardia Gambini

 Pros: The My Cousin Vinny lawyer has very short yet effective opening statements.  He’s a perfect 1-0 in murder trials.  The jury knows that if they deliver the wrong verdict Vinny is fully capable of beating them up in the parking lot after the case.  Greg Anderson, Barry’s trainer, has spent more than a year in jail protecting him.  Vinny is quite comfortable spending time in prison during a trial.

Cons: Inexperience.  He failed the bar 5 times and the only case he’s tried is when he got the Karate Kid cleared of murder charges.  If people have trouble understanding him talk about the “2 yutes” with that New York accent, how can a judge be expected to understand when Vinny pronounces words like “anabolic” and “stanozolol”?

These are all decent options, but in the end there is one clear choice: Reed Morgan.  For Barry Bonds to get out of his hot water, why not get the man who successfully sued McDonald’s over hot coffee?  

Dear A-Rod:

Everyone on the planet knows that you are now a free agent.  Scott Boras’ badly timed announcement took care of that.  As a fan of the Seattle Mariners I would like to ask if you would please sign with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

I understand that you may be confused by a Mariners fan asking you to sign with the best team in their division.  Since I accept that you are the best player of this generagion, wouldn’t signing with the Angels be a bad thing for my beloved M’s?  I’m not so sure, for one big reason: like William H. Macy in the movie, you’re a cooler.  For some reason, the teams you play for seem to have success only when you’re not there.  Don’t believe me, Alex?  Let’s take a look.

You started your career with my Mariners.  Those were the days, eh, Alex?  Nobody taking photos of you with women other than your wife, fans cheering as you walked to the plate with “Who let the Dogs Out?” blared through Safeco Field….good times, Alex.  The team made the playoffs a couple of times but it wasn’t until you lied to the fans of Seattle and signed with the Texas Rangers that my M’s won a record 116 games.  The two years after that, Seattle won an impressive 93 games each.

Your leadership and $25 million annual salary catapulted the last place Texas Rangers from 74 wins to….75 wins.  That was followed by 73 wins in your second year there.  Then the team skyrocketed to 76 wins in year three.  $25 million per year doesn’t buy what it used to, I guess.  Incidentally, the year after you left the Rangers won 84 games.

After your stint in Texas you signed with the mighty Yankees.  This was a team that had gone to the World Series in 6 of the previous 8 seasons, winning it four times.  This was a team that had been torturing and pounding on the Boston Red Sox for 86 years.

What happened in your first year there, Alex?  Boston comes back from a 3-0 defecit in the American League Championship Series to win it over your Yankees (that has not been done before or since).  The Sox go on to win the World Series and break the most storied curse in baseball lore–the Curse of the Bambino.  In next three years your Yankees did not win a playoff series, while Boston has won yet another championship.

Now you’re looking for a new team, which means I’ll be looking for Rick Tocchet or Tim Donaghy.  I’m looking to bet a lot of money on the Yankees winning the World Series next year.

Nobody’s doubting you’re the best player in the game, Alex, or that you’re worth the money.  However, as a Mariner fan, I’m begging you to sign with the Angels.  Think of it as a chance to make up for the way you left Seattle in 2000.  Your signing in Anaheim will no doubt do wonders for my Mariner’s chances in the years to come.

Sincerely,

Bluenoser