You know a TV show is desperate for ratings when they resort to celebrity appearances.  Such is the case with The Apprentice, which recently announced teh 14 C-list celebrities that will grasp for another 15 minutes of fame in January.  The only thing more depressing than a celebrity reality show is that I’ve heard of all but 2 of the contestants.  That, and the maddening fact that I know I’m going to watch it.  Here’s how I handicap the field:

Trace Adkins (country music singer)

Why he’ll win:  Because Ladies love Country Boys, and Donald will, too.

Why he’ll be fired:  He’ll assume that Celebrity Apprentice Ain’t No Thinkin’ Thing.

Outlook:  If he thinks he’s got a chance, he’s Dreamin’ Out Loud.

Carol Alt (model, puck bunny)

Why she’ll win:  She’s hot.  Donald has his reasons for owning the Miss Universe Organization, and I don’t think they’re all financial.

Why she’ll be fired:  You gotta question the judgement of a woman who hooks up with Alexei Yashin, a guy who didn’t exactly define commitment during his NHL career.

Outlook:  Alt, who has now hooked up with two NHL hockey players, will get distracted during a task at a New York Rangers game at Madison Square Garden.  This lack of focus will get her fired.

Stephen Baldwin (Alec’s brother, actor)

Why he’ll win:  He’s always on these celebrity reality shows and never does well.  The law of averages says he has to win some time.

Why he’ll get fired:  If his choices during the game mirror his movie choices, it’s only a matter of time before he slips up.

Outlook:  Once The Donald figures out that this isn’t the guy from The Hunt for Red October he’ll get upset and fire Stephen in frustration.

Nadia Comaneci (Olympic legend)

Why she’ll win:  Didn’t you see her in Montreal in 1976?  She’s perfect!

Why she’ll get fired:  Really–how good can someone from a communist country like Romania do in a game that’s all about capitalism?

Outlook:  To use gymnastics terms, she’ll nail the routine but I don’t know if she can stick the dismount.

Tiffany Fallon (Playboy playmate)

Why she’ll win:  She’s hot.  Can Donald not find a smart businesswoman for his show who isn’t at least an 8 out of 10?

Why she’ll be fired:  She’ll turn down Donald’s request for some “private boardroom time”.

Outlook:  Donald’s libido will make sure she’s around until at least the second half of the show.

Jennie Finch (softball player, hottie)

Why she’ll win:  She’s hot.  Do you think she’s on the show because she can pitch a softball over 70 mph?

Why she’ll be fired:  Trump will be disappointed to learn she is married and has a dependent baby.

Outlook:  In the business world, where pressure is a constant and she’ll always have 2 strikes against her, can she show us that she has any balls?

Nely Galan (TV producer, businesswoman)

Why she’ll win:  She hasn’t merely participated on a reality show before–she’s produced one (The Swan).  She’ll use that experience to her advantage.

Why she’ll be fired:  In one of themost colourful boardroom moments ever, Nely will verbally attack Trump in a Ricky Ricardo-esque rant, not knowing that he is fluent in Spanish.

Outlook:  Galan Entertainment has a developmental deal in place with NBC, so you figure out how she’s going to do.

Marilu Henner (actress, talk show host)

Why she’ll win:  When in a tough situation, the former ”Taxi” star can ask herself “What would Alex Reeger do?”

Why she’ll be fired:  When in a tough situation, the former “Taxi” star can ask herself “What would Tony Banta do?”

Outlook:  If she can handle having Louie DePalma as a boss, Donald Trump is going to be child’s play for her.

Lennox Lewis (underrated heavyweight boxer)

Why he’ll win:  If he can have a boxing career without a rap sheet, a divorce or a paternity suit, he’s capable of anything.

Why he’ll be fired:  Trump’s Taj Mahal casino lost a fortune when Lewis lost to 20-1 longshot Hasim Rahman a few years back.  Call his firing a revenge tactic.

Outlook:  He’s a good Canadian boy (well, sort of) so how can he go wrong?

Piers Morgan (token British judge on America’s Got Talent)

Why he’ll win:  He’s hot.  No, seriously….he was on the British version of this show, so maybe the experience will come in handy.

Why he’ll be fired:  He’ll use his nit-picky British accent to criticize Trump’s hair once too often.

Outlook:  Thinking Trump may be German, Piers will try to bribe him with an autographed photo of fellow Talent judge David Hasselhoff.  Trump will fire Piers…..but keep the photo.

Omarosa (professional Apprentice contestant)

Why she’ll win:  Experience.  She’s done this before and she is a legitimate businesswoman.

Why she’ll be fired:  Donald will remember why he fired her the first time.

Outlook:  She played this game against genuine business people and lost.  If she can’t beat a bunch of C-list celebrities at her own game, it’s time to find a new game.

Tino Ortiz (mixed martial arts fighter)

Why he’ll win:  Easy.  He’s intellectually and physically superior to everyone else in every way.

Why he’ll be fired:  He won’t be!  Tino is obviously the best man for the job–he has no equal in that boardroom.

Outlook:  He’s a dangerous man who can snap me like a twig.  I’m making him my favourite to win it all, just in case he actually reads this.

Vincent Pastore (TV mobster, reality show staple)

Why he’ll win:  The Sopranos’ “family business” will ensure his victory.

Why he’ll get fired:  Doesn’t everyone on “The Sopranos” get whacked before it’s all over?

Outlook:  He dropped out of “Dancing with the Stars” after just one week.  How long can we expect him to last with The Donald?

Gene Simmons (former rock singer, current reality show staple)

Why he’ll win:  Because when you take on Gene, you take on the entire KISS Army.

Why he’ll be fired:  If Donald hires Gene, he may be forced to renew that reality show of his for another season.

Outlook:  Ivanka may arrange to keep him around long enough to get some makeup tips from the KISS lead singer.

Hello, I’m Charlton Heston.  For many years the National Rifle Association has fought hard to protect Americans’ Constitutional right to bear arms.  We’ve fought for families who want to protect their homes against intruders.  We’ve fought for huters looking for food tofeed their loved ones.  Now we’re fighting for amateur auto mechanics looking to take lug nuts off of their vehicles.

A frustrated Seattle man, trying for two full weeks to get a lug nut off of his vehicle with no success, finally found his solution.  Where did he find it?  Not in the Yellow Pages under “auto mechanics”, nor in the hardware store in the automotive section.  He found his answer in the US Constitution under “Second Amendment”.  He picked up his trusty shotgun, got well within range of that lug nut, and with visions of Dick Cheney running through is head he opened fire.  The lug nut, along with the frustration he felt, was gone.  Yes, they were replaced by blinding pain due to the buckshot ricocheting back and hospitalizing the man, but that’s beside the point.

Let’s face it–we’ve all been frustrated by a stubborn home project at one time or another.  That leaky pipe really drains your patience.  Your broken furnace makes you do a slow burn.  Your faulty transmission really grinds your gears.  You could do something sensible like call a professional, but wouldn’t it feel so much better to grab your AK-47 assault rifle, cram it full of armour piercing bullets and blast that backed-up toilet back to the Stone Age?  You know you’ve thought about it.  Okay, you would probably have to pay for a whole new bathroom to replace the one you destroyed, but that’s beside the point.

Without the NRA’s help, our mechanic would still be haunted by this one stubborn nut.  If he lived in any other country in the world his vehicle may still be immobile today.  Okay, he wouldn’t be in the hospital recovering from life threatening injuries either, but that’s beside the point.

The point is this–our forefathers fought, bled and dies protecting every red blooded American’s right to bust a cap in his Buick.  Where there is a stubborn lug nut in America, we’ll be there.  Where there’s a frustrating home improvement project, we’ll be there.  Where there’s a dim-witted American wanna-be mechanic we’ll be there, fighting to protect his right to blow is problems to smithereens rather than fix them like a normal person.  Why?  Because guns don’t kill people.  Lug nuts kill people.

I am Charlton Heston.  I am the NRA.  God bless America!

Barry Bonds, baseball’s home run king, is in serious trouble.  The US Federal Government has indicted him on 4 charges of perjury and one charge of bostruction of justice, stemming from his claims to the Grand Jury that he has never knowingly taken steroids.  Staring at a potential 30 years in jail, Barry will need some serious legal help to beat the rap.  Here are some lawyers he may want to consider:

Lionel Hutz

Pros:   Barry Bonds is up on 4 counts of perjury.  Homer and Marge Simpson’s lawyer understands that there’s the truth…and the truth!  After Homer sold his soul to the Devil for a donut, Hutz successfully won a case against the Prince of Darkness, giving custody of Homer’s soul back to Marge.  Since Barry has sold his baseball soul for the home run record, maybel Lionel can do it again.  As his Yellow Pages ad states, if Lionel doesn’t win your case in 30 minutes your pizza is free.

Cons: He has trouble with courtroom lingo, referrring to mistrials at “bad court thingies”.  He has even more trouble with bourbon, once even calling his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor David Crosby in the middle of a trial.  On top of that, his second job as a realtor may distract him from the business at hand.

Jackie Chiles

Pros: It’s important that a lawyer and his client get along, and Seinfeld’s lawyer may be the only man with an ego as big as Barry’s.  It’ll take some fast talking to win this case, and Jackie’s “fabulous, stupendous, outrageous” vocabulary just may confuse a jury into an acquittal.  The factthat he talked Teri Hatcher’s character into bed in the Seinfeld finale is proof of his skills of persuasion.  His closing statement would claim that Barry’s home runs were “real…and were spectacular”.

Cons: Previous settlements have not gone well.  He got Kramer’s photo on a Marlboro billboard when he sued the tobacco industry and got him free coffee for life when he sued for burns Cosmo got from a hot cup of coffee.  If Chiles wins for Barry, he may settle for a lifetime supply of HGH and having his face on a bottle of flaxseed oil.

Ben Matlock:

Pros: As everyone knows, he only takes a case if he believes his client is innocent.  If he takes on Barry’s case, it’s instant credibility.  Ben’s $100,000 fee is pocket change for Bonds.  Matlock is very popular among senior citizens, which means he could easily convince an older judge, most MLB owners and Julio Franco of Barry’s innocence.

Cons: Ben is from Atlanta and therefore is probably a Braves fan.  He can’t be happy that Barry broke Hank Aaron’s record.

Vincent LaGuardia Gambini

 Pros: The My Cousin Vinny lawyer has very short yet effective opening statements.  He’s a perfect 1-0 in murder trials.  The jury knows that if they deliver the wrong verdict Vinny is fully capable of beating them up in the parking lot after the case.  Greg Anderson, Barry’s trainer, has spent more than a year in jail protecting him.  Vinny is quite comfortable spending time in prison during a trial.

Cons: Inexperience.  He failed the bar 5 times and the only case he’s tried is when he got the Karate Kid cleared of murder charges.  If people have trouble understanding him talk about the “2 yutes” with that New York accent, how can a judge be expected to understand when Vinny pronounces words like “anabolic” and “stanozolol”?

These are all decent options, but in the end there is one clear choice: Reed Morgan.  For Barry Bonds to get out of his hot water, why not get the man who successfully sued McDonald’s over hot coffee?  

With the retirement of Eric Lindros has come a debate around whether or not he deserves to be voted into the Hockey Hall of Fame.  The fact that there’s a debate about this makes the answer clear–Eric Lindros is not a Hall of Famer.

For someone to get into the Hall of Fame there should be no debate about it.  Scott Niedermayer?  Hall of Famer–no question.  Joe Sakic?  Hall of Famer–easy.  Eric Lindros?  Not so easy.  That’s precisely why he shouldn’t get in.  That’s not to say that Lindros was not a very good hockey player.  A Hart trophy, Olympic gold and silver medals, 372 goals and 865 points are proof that he was.  This is the Hall of Fame we’re talking about, though…not the Hall of Very Good.  Judging by how “welcoming” the Hall’s selection committee has been recently they might as well go ahead and change the name.

When I’m the NHL Commissioner (and it’s only a matter of time), the Hall of Fame will again replace the current Hall of Very Good.  It’s time to toughen up the standards for getting into the Hall.  With all due respect, “borderline” greats like Clark Gillies, Bernie Federko and Dick Duff getting inducted makes the honour less than it should be.  Look at it this way–if you were an actor that won a lifetime achievement award ou would be thrilled, until you realed that Brendan Fraser and Pauly Shore received the same honour.  Kind of takes the fizz out of the champagne, doesn’t it?  Currently, players must be selected to the Hall by 15 ouf of 18 members of the selection committee.  I think players should be selected unanimously.  A true legend of the game transcends debate.  It should be a no-brainer.

I also don’t understand how someone can be denied entry one year and then voted in another year.  That would mean that at least one member of the selection committee changed his mind on a player and now thinks he should be inducted.  Why?  What’s changed?  The Canadian dollar’s value can change from year to year, a retired player’s numbers cannot.  A player’s mark on the game does not typically change the longer they’re retired.  Why the change of heart among the committee members?

There have been too many “iffy” Hall of Fame selections in recent years.  All this does is water down the honour for those who are truly worthy.  We ned to toughen the Hall’s entry standards and make sure only the true legends of the game are enshrined.  It’s time to take the current Hall of Very Good and change it back to the Hall of Fame.

Eric Lindros was a very good hockey player.  When you think of him, however, do you think “hockey legend & one of the all time greats” or is it “good player, good career, but he never really lived up to the hype”?  If you’re like me it’s the latter of the two.  If you have to wonder whether or not he should be in the Hall, he shouldn’t be.  If he does go in, however, he should wear the jersey of the team he helped the most during his career.  Quebec Nordique fans would be proud.

 

For basketball fans in Vancouver, the NBA is really tough to love.  First they handcuffed our Grizzlies by not letting them have the first overall pick in the draft in our first few years.   So–instead of having Rahseed Wallace or Kevin Garnett in town they wound up with Bryant Reeves.  That’s kind of like Charlie Brown getting a rock on Halloween when the rest of the gang got candy.

Then they let a dishonest billionaire buy our team and take them to that media hot-spot of Memphis, where the are doing so much better in the stands and on the court.  Hey, Michael Heisley…how does the Canadian dollar look to you now?  Every time I realize that Memphis has yet to win a playoff game I feel better.  I like to think that it’s karma at work.

Okay, the whole Memphis thing stung Vancouver fans, but there were still the Sonics about a 3 hour drive away that we could cheer for.  That is, until recently, when another dishonest billionaire announced plans to move them to that media hot-spot known as Oklahoma City.  After all, it makes so much sense to take a team in America’s 7th larges market and move them to the 43rd.  Sigh.

So why is the NBA treating the Pacific Northwest like garbage?  Here are some theories:

• League vice president Stu Jackson, the man who wouldn’t trade for Steve Nash when he was GM of the Vancouver Grizzlies, isn’t satisfied with simply destroying basketball in Vancouver.  He’s after the whole Pacific Northwest now.  Watch out, Portland…you may be next!
• David Stern has lost a fortune on Shawn Kemp’s baby pools over the years.
• NBA referee Dick Bavetta is jealous of the Sonics mascot’s hair.
• Bill Leavy secretly works for the NBA.  Anyone who saw his officiating in Super Bowl XL knows that he obviously has something against Seattle.
• Disgraced NBA referee Tim Donaghy bet on Bryant Reeves’ weight and took the under.
• They’re still punishing the Sonics for letting Jack Sikma wear that perm in the early ’80s.

I’m not sure of the reasons for this area of the world being slammed by the NBA, but if the Sonics do leave for Oklahoma one thing is sure–Steve Francis will be elected mayor of Vancouver before I waste any more time on the NBA.

Dear A-Rod:

Everyone on the planet knows that you are now a free agent.  Scott Boras’ badly timed announcement took care of that.  As a fan of the Seattle Mariners I would like to ask if you would please sign with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

I understand that you may be confused by a Mariners fan asking you to sign with the best team in their division.  Since I accept that you are the best player of this generagion, wouldn’t signing with the Angels be a bad thing for my beloved M’s?  I’m not so sure, for one big reason: like William H. Macy in the movie, you’re a cooler.  For some reason, the teams you play for seem to have success only when you’re not there.  Don’t believe me, Alex?  Let’s take a look.

You started your career with my Mariners.  Those were the days, eh, Alex?  Nobody taking photos of you with women other than your wife, fans cheering as you walked to the plate with “Who let the Dogs Out?” blared through Safeco Field….good times, Alex.  The team made the playoffs a couple of times but it wasn’t until you lied to the fans of Seattle and signed with the Texas Rangers that my M’s won a record 116 games.  The two years after that, Seattle won an impressive 93 games each.

Your leadership and $25 million annual salary catapulted the last place Texas Rangers from 74 wins to….75 wins.  That was followed by 73 wins in your second year there.  Then the team skyrocketed to 76 wins in year three.  $25 million per year doesn’t buy what it used to, I guess.  Incidentally, the year after you left the Rangers won 84 games.

After your stint in Texas you signed with the mighty Yankees.  This was a team that had gone to the World Series in 6 of the previous 8 seasons, winning it four times.  This was a team that had been torturing and pounding on the Boston Red Sox for 86 years.

What happened in your first year there, Alex?  Boston comes back from a 3-0 defecit in the American League Championship Series to win it over your Yankees (that has not been done before or since).  The Sox go on to win the World Series and break the most storied curse in baseball lore–the Curse of the Bambino.  In next three years your Yankees did not win a playoff series, while Boston has won yet another championship.

Now you’re looking for a new team, which means I’ll be looking for Rick Tocchet or Tim Donaghy.  I’m looking to bet a lot of money on the Yankees winning the World Series next year.

Nobody’s doubting you’re the best player in the game, Alex, or that you’re worth the money.  However, as a Mariner fan, I’m begging you to sign with the Angels.  Think of it as a chance to make up for the way you left Seattle in 2000.  Your signing in Anaheim will no doubt do wonders for my Mariner’s chances in the years to come.

Sincerely,

Bluenoser 

The 1955 musical “Damn Yankees” was about a middle-aged baseball fan who resorted to questionable measures to help his team win.  He traded his soul to the Devil in exchange for that one key player that would lead his beloved Washington Senators over the Yankees.

The Canadian Football League (CFL) now has its own version of this classic.  The year is 2005.  The middle aged man is Hugh Campbell, General Manager of the Edmonton Eskimos.  The key player is Troy Davis, an elite CFL running back.

In the musical, the middle aged man comes to his senses and nixes his deal with the Devil.  The Eskimos went through with their deals and are now paying the price.  As a result, their version of Damn Yankees could be re-named “The Curse of Troy”.

In case you’re not familiar with Edmonton’s story, here’s a brief history lesson.  In 2005 the Edmonton Eskimos were a proud, storied franchise.  They had made the playoffs a staggering 34 years in a row and were always Grey Cup contenders.  They boasted the league’s last realy dynasty, a dominating 5 year championship reign in the 1970s.  Late in the 2005 season, the Eskimos were again strong but were missing that elite running back that is vital to any championship team.

Enter the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, a terrible team playing out the string and looking to rebuild with youth.  They trade Troy Davis to Edmonton in the most lopsided and questionable deal since the sale of the Island of Manhattan.  Edmonton, led by this newly-formed running attack and the heroics of back-up quarterback Jason Maas, won two playoff games on the road and ultimately the Grey Cup.  Right after the game, in a move that was described during the Grey Cup game as “the worst kept secret in sports”, Edmonton traded the same Jason Maas to Hamilton in the most lopsided trade since….well….the Troy Davis deal.

Some CFL fans (read: Eskimo fans) defend the questionable trades, saying they did not violate any rules.  This may be true, but in the same vein Art Modell didn’t “technically” do anything wrong when he moved the Cleveland Browns to Baltimore either.  Just because your nose is clean doesn’t mean something doesn’t stink.  I will give Eskimos fans this–unlike Dane Cook, I don’t think that Hugh Campbell made a deal with the Devil.

Since that 2005 Grey Cup win hard times have hit the Eskimos.  Their 34 year playoff streak ended the next year.  Again this year they have failed to make the playoffs.  And the Ti-Cats?  Well, they still suck.  And they have Casey Printers to deal with now.  He’s a talented quarterback, but he’s so egotistical you have to shrink his head to make his bobble head doll.  But, that’s another story for another day.

I don’t know how long a team has to suffer before you can call them officially cursed.  I think, however, that a good curse would add to the CFL’s mystique.  Just look at what they’ve done for baseball’s image!  On top of that it’s Edmonton, a city that arrogantly calls itself the “City of Champions”–so I’m going with it.

So how do you break a curse?  Well to start, as they said in Damn Yankees, you gotta have heart.  Long live the Curse of Troy!